Monday, January 13, 2014

Life, Death, and Moving On

Life sometimes spirals out of our comfort zone. The function zone. The plan zone. Can an altered dream still satisfy the longing of the soul?  Do you remember those little square palm size puzzles that had tiny moveable tiles? The object was to tediously move the tiles up and down, or sideways usually with your thumb, until the numbers were in sequence.  Sometimes my life has resembled that puzzle. Or possibly while knitting, I manage to tangle a ball of yarn so hopelessly that I must stop knitting.  I must put my project aside until the yarn is in order. Then I may resume the rhythm of needles gliding between K2, P1.  My life is becoming untangled, but I'm not sure what I am knitting.

There was no market farming during 2013.  A queer fatigue accompanied by pain consumed the wintery months.  Hand washing dishes, a routine vacuuming, folding a load of laundry, the most mundane of tasks required ridiculous effort. Mornings proved especially difficult, instead of feeling rested I felt exhausted. Springtime brought no relief. The garden planning limped along and I did manage to start seeds.  Short spurts of transplanting followed.  In mid season the entire garden was tilled under.  I could not work.

The Etsy shop languished as I could not sit long enough to prepare the fiber without pain. The goats were growing beautiful mohair that I had no energy to process.  Creative juices flowed only in my imagination.   Hundreds of dreamy ideas never made it past my brain.  The loom sat with the same warp staring at me.  I spent an inordinate amount of time viewing other people's creativity on the internet.  I was becoming a passive knitter, felter, weaver, spinner etcetera.

A lifelong bibliophile, I tried to read.  I splurged on a few titles to feed my interests.  If I could not actually have bees, I could learn as much as possible for when I would have them. I found it tiresome to focus on more than a few pages at a time.

Finally after months of tests and doctor visits I was given a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  I have made  changes in my diet, got physical therapy and started Bikram yoga.  The physical therapy and yoga have been put on the back burner till other issues get resolved.

Many blessings unfolded during 2013.  I had no money, no job, but I did have time.  Each day I was occupied with the usual domestic tasks, and caring for Aaron, but I could find peace in not having to run. I could walk. I could take in the scriptures, spending time with the Lord unhurried.  On days when I had enough energy I could cook a whole meal. Most of all my dear precious mother and I have spent more time together. That is a great blessing that came out of not so great circumstances. Where there is breath of life-there is hope.

I lost the light of my life on January 16th 2013 when my beloved Max had to be put to rest. He was much more than just a dog. I hope he knew how much I loved him.  In March Beauty gave birth to an exceptional doe-Molasses.  In every way she was a beautiful, lively, funny goat.  Her fleece was outstanding. On December 1st I found her dead from a broken neck.  And so life and death are ever present.  I remind myself we are as the grass that withereth away, eternity is before us.